Do's and Don'ts of Grief Support

Not that any of you need to hear this (promise, y'all are amazingly awesome) but maybe through the 5 ish people who read this blog, word can slowly get out. Some people are just awkward, (We've known this for years, I get it) But some NORMAL people are exceptionally awkward when there is a big elephant in the room. I have an elephant in my room all the time now. It's big. Real big. I named him Fred. Lot's of people ignore Fred. Lot's of people hurt Fred's feelings. Lot's of people make Fred want to stampede on top of them. It's tough, I get it. In fact, if I hadn't been through what I've been through, I would be completely clueless as to what to say-ignoring the huge elephant. Never fear my friends, here are some examples of good things to say, and some not-so-good things to say. All are real-life examples, but names have been changed to protect the innocent-or to protect identity of your husbands' friend(s)!

Here is the best thing to DO:
Just say something. Acknowledge the elephant in the room and move on. It's simple, really. Something like, "I'm so sorry to hear about your _______. You're in our thoughts and prayers." Or "I heard about your _________. I'm so sorry for your loss."
That's it. I told you it was easy. Asking too many questions can be weird, especially if you're not very close to the person, but not saying anything at all is weirder, especially if you're trying to have a conversation with them and asking what's going on in their life, forcing THEM to tell You about the big elephant, which you already know about, but don't know what to say.

Here are several DON'Ts:
From Dennis, the art teacher at school: "I know EXACTLY what you're going through. My mom died when she was in her late 70's of alzheimers."
Even if your best friend who was also your sister died on her mission in England and 1.5 years later your other best friend who was also your Mom died of cancer, you DON'T know what the person is going through. Trust me. Everyone is different, and no one wants to hear that you feel their pain, cause trust me, you don't.

From Alan, a very well-intended old man in my ward when he saw me sitting without any of my family on Sunday (Dad had meetings): "Where is your family? Oh they're all gone now? Sister's back in Japan, Greg's back at school, and your Dad's off at meetings. That house must be quiet. I bet that's when you miss your mom a lot, it must be hard to have such a quiet house." (My response, "Yep." He would have kept talking if I hadn't turned my head to find someone else to talk to on my row.)

From Sharlee: (While completely sobbing during the voicemail she left on my phone) "Oh ALICIA! I can't believe you have to go through this. It must be so HARD. Call me and let me know what I can do to help." Now this one isn't too awful - it's the sobbing that gets me. I also had several women in the ward literally SOB on my shoulder while I gave them comfort and patted their backs when they heard Mom was in her final stages. Please don't make the people who are grieving comfort you - it's not fun. At all. (Oh, and don't tell the person to call you when they need something. They don't know what they need, and they probably never will. It's your job as the good friend to pray and come up with something creative - see a list of good ideas below.)

From Brother Jacob, my institute teacher: "Death is such a great thing, it just opens your mind so much to the gospel." I know this was well-intended (as all of these comments have been) but no one wants to hear how great death is because "you learn so much." Even if it's true that you learn a lot (you do). Death is not great. Ever. In fact, it hurts real bad.

I could go on forever with lots of stories, but we'll end with my favorite-the condensed version-from Ned: "Did I ever tell you about the time my brother got divorced and later remarried? It was shortly after I returned from my mission. It was pretty sad - she decided she didn't want anything to do with the church, so she left. It was really hard for me, I mean, it was kind of like losing a sister, you know? Anyway, one time my brother called home to talk to my parents but I answered. I could tell he was crying and when I asked if he was ok he immediately started sobbing. It was so sad to hear him cry like that. I can't imagine the pain he went through. We decided burying a spouse must be better than divorce." Yes, this conversation really did happen. Not fabricated one bit. Now I would never say divorce is easier or harder than anything, but really, not a good idea to find some far-out story to help you "relate." As I already said, you can't relate, so don't try.

Once again - these are more for your viewing pleasure than for your knowledge - you all have done great and I don't have any awkward stories from any of you. Share with your husbands and have a good laugh. And now, to end on a more positive note - here are some great ideas of things you can do for someone who is going through a hard time.

1. Make a meal--The kind you can freeze (not a Mom's surprise though - they should probably know what it is.) Take it over and stick it in their freezer with cooking instructions attached. It will be perfect for the days after the funeral when things have quieted down and life is supposed to move on but you still don't want to cook (there are lots of those days).
2. Drinks--Take over a cooler full of drinks like sodas, water, juice boxes, etc. for the family to drink throughout the day, or to serve with the meals people bring. Restock it each night with more ice and drinks. Remember, lots of crying makes them dehydrated so they'll love it.
3. Artwork--Framed pictures of their loved one or just something that makes you smile will be cherished for a long time. I love the willow tree statues, but be conscious that a lot of other people love them too-make sure you leave the tag on the box if you go with a Willow Tree so it can be returned if it's a duplicate.
4. Grocery Shopping--Not HUGE shopping, but little things they need but won't think of (snacks for kids, fruit, etc) Call the family the next time you're headed to the grocery store to see if they need you to pick up some milk or something.
5. Breakfast--The day of the funeral is usually hectic. Drop off breakfast. Someone brought us the best cinnamon rolls I've ever had. Mmmm!
6. Garbage Cans--Our neighbors brought over one of their garbage cans and we filled it! Lots of people at home and lots of flowers creates lots of garbage. They also took our trash out to the curb because small details like that are hard to remember.
7. Obituary--Cut out copies of the obituary and laminate one for each member of the family.
8. Music--Take over a CD with comforting music, or just music that makes you happy. I have a few cd's from when Linz passed that will always remind me of her just because of the timing of when they were given. I love them.
9. Kleenex--Take over several boxes of tissues. Trust me, the more the better. (And make sure they're the soft kind - noses can get rubbed raw quickly.)
10. Comfort Food--You know what makes you feel good. Make it and take it over. Cheesecake can do wonders for the weary soul!